Last night I went down to give Jimmy his last shots and meds of the evening. Before I gave him his shots I asked how his feet and hands were doing as I am touching his feet. They were not cold like they normally are, but he said that when he puts pressure on them, he has the neuropathy. Oops... I asked if I was hurting him, as I was rubbing his feet. He said "no... well... it's a good hurt". So I rubbed his feet awhile and it seemed to help. He was totally happy about it. (well, as excited as a frail young man with cancer can be)
I then gave him his meds and shots. As I stand at the side of his bed rubbing his head for what seemed a long time... all I could do was stare at him... looking at his face, neck, arms, etc... he was not-of-life looking. My boy that was once so strong and alive- was now so weak and pail.
I choked back emotion enough to get him in a restful sleep, then kissed his forehead and headed up the steps. By the time I get to the top of the steps I am in a full sobbing cry. I cried uncontrollably for over an hour- I couldn't stop- I couldn't stop.... I moved from room to room and even went outside and sat on my deck. I was lost!!!!- I wish that I had someone that had a clue of what this all felt like to talk to!!! Not just someone saying "I know what you must be going through"... truthfully, NO YOU DON'T!! Last night I could have used my "breaking room"... filled with all kinds of things I could throw and smash and stomp on and slam against walls... I needed it so badly!!! I went through so many emotions - I think I SHOULD be good for awhile. I ended up sobbing myself to sleep. Awoke this morning with big puffy eye lids and a bad disposition. I am not a rock.... I am not untouchable.... I can break.... I just hope that it doesn't happen too often- because I get pissed off at myself for it!
There you go... a peek inside...
Love and hugs to all.....
