Clare-
I am sooooo excited for this. I am just so priveledged to be part of the love and friendship. I KNOW Jeff loveS Jimmy very much and all of his actions show this on a consitant basis. I LOVE that Jimmy's wishes are being carried out. I also LOVE the idea of the website being placed on the barrel- what a GREAT IDEA. We will stay tuned to see what happens!! Thanks Clare - I love you!!

Last week was a good one. I had several GREAT moments. I decided to do a dessert social for everyone at GSV that helped me to spend the time I needed with Jimmy during our journey together; from employees donating their precious PTO to residents attending fundraisers to sending cards and saying prayers of healing and support. I spent the evening on Wednesday after work baking cakes and tarts. Thursday, Shelley came over (for a little while) and we baked LOTS of cookies, etc. I FELT Jimmy so strongly as I was baking- I can't explain the feeling, other than I felt a sense of love and pride- it felt as if he was giving his apporval of what I was doing. IT WAS AWESOME!! I even used a couple of recipes from a resident that passed away a few years ago. I want her to know that I am watching over her husband very carefully- He (Lloyd) loved that I honored her with using her recipes... that in itself was rewarding and special. (ps- the picture of the cheesecake tart was her recipe)
After all was done- I had baked 19 different types of yummy desserts for a VERY IMPORTANT thank you to a VERY IMPORTANT group of people. Friday, my girls (Krista and Shelley) along with my beautiful grandkids, (Damion and Zen) came to GSV to help me set up our wonderful dessert reception for our guests. I printed out a card that had "thank you" in several languges and signed by our family, which was handed out to each guest by Damion and Zen. They all LOVED the kids... who wouldn't. I am just sorry that I don't have any pictures of that day to share.
So, that was Wednesday, Thursday and Friday... not to downplay ANY of that, but my happiest moment was Saturday... I FINALLY got my tattoo- I have waited on it for a long time... BUT it was VERY worth it.
Jackie at 717 tattoo did a FABULOUS job with the VERY SPECIAL and PERSONAL tattoo- I am MORE than happy with it. I had gotten 2 other small ones a little earlier which mean alot as well... I have his signature, from one of his mother's day cards to me, by Rick's heart locket and a bird in the heavens by Rick's key from heaven. These are special to me as well.... BUT the one on my left thigh (Rick's is on the right) is SO special. I will post pictures.
Sunday I went to Weis to purchase items for our weekly family dinner - I was in such a great mood- like Jimmy was lifting me up- I sang as I shopped- I don't know why... I just know I felt very happy. As I was leaving the store, I looked at the 'crane game' by the exit door that Jimmy used to play EVERY TIME he left there- and when he won something, he would give ot to the next child he saw- some mothers looked at him like "hey, perv- my child cannot accept that"... he used to just laugh that off... what else could he do?! ANYHOW>..... I put my dollar in (like any other time I leave the store) thinking that I would have just wasted yet another dollar- well... try one... I came up empty - the second try on the dollar- I got a ballcap.... Jimmy was there with me!! :)
I kept the grandkids Sunday evening - and when we got up this morning we made special pancakes- I LOVE my time with them!! AND with the different shapes they expect me to make 'look' like their request keeps me on my toes... and again, I KNOW that Jimmy is so proud of what I am doing...
Thanks for reading and look for the posted pictures....
Love and hugs to all

Well... today marks 3 months since I lost a VERY IMPORTANT part of my being, part of my soul, part of WHO I AM/WAS.

 I had a very beneficial Reiki with Suzanne again... I got to see Sarah as well today and that was just a fantastic bonus. These 2 WONDERFUL ladies helped us so much in the journey- we were so blessed to have had them on our side. NOTHING would be a big enough thank you to them both. Sarah, you stay safe in your upcoming journey!!

Jimmy is all around me, I know this...., I feel this, BUT it is still so hard for me to accept that he is not of Earthly stature any more. I have had such a hard time looking at his pictures for any length of time. I am getting better though... as I told Suz today.

Emily (my boss) lets me know that what Jimmy and I shared is so amazing and that we got to tell one another over and over just how the other felt is such a blessing- we sometimes don't do that enough and when someone gets taken away- we wish that we would have said so many things- thank God that Jimmy and I said them.... imagine not having that- Oh my God. I would be so much more devastated. So, when you are pissed off at Mom or Dad or even a sibling or significant other- just remember that they can be taken away in the blink of an eye- Jimmy and I were lucky enough for that hadn't happened to us. Love one another- look through the pettiness!!

The love continues.... Jimmy will be riding Niagara Falls in a barrel made by Jeff and carried out by Clare, A.K.A. "Jeff's Mom"- love you CLARE! It is so awesome that he had friends like this- friends that respected him and now his wishes to be spread out- Gotta love that Boy!!

And a big sorry to Carla- Lanfill's GIRLFRIEND- I wish that I would have READ the entire letter before posting- thank you for the wonderful words and the GREAT SCARF-

Much love to all.....

I had another amazing evening with Clare- thank you so much for all you do. It is nice to sit and talk about Jimmy with you. AND all of the other stuff we have in common- *wink wink* - Jimmy knows.... ha
I also want to thank Carla, Landfill's mother, for a very nice letter- I am truly sorry for your loss- I know that type of pain as well... yes, Jimmy has touched SOOOO many people over his short years here on this Earth- he was (and still is) a very important part of many people's lives. He has been an inspiration and a beacon for many- his family miss him so much and still recall all of the moments and lessons that he has taught. We get together every Sunday (friends invited) and enjoy the times shared and moments remembered - I hope that we can continue this for a VERY LONG TIME! Thursday will be 3 months and sometimes it feels just like yesterday that Jimmy and I were texting or talking on the phone- or I was rubbing his feet (he LOVED that) - or we just sat in silence and it was ok, because we each KNEW how the other felt... one of the texts that we sent one another had something along those lines of---- even if we don't speak- I feel you there- I know your presence- I know you care! He had commented that he felt so much better for me just BEING THERE- it eased his mind. And his words "ONLY my Mom can calm me- only she can talk me down from the edge" I will NEVER forget those words. It helps (even if a little) to know how much I meant to him- BUT probably NEVER as much as he meant to me.
Thank you Clare for your wonderful words- I hope to continue making Jimmy proud for a long time. I love to talk to Jeff about Jimmy- he was his best friend for a long time and to hear some of the stuff that Jimmy would say is nice- Thanks Jeff for only telling me the NICE stuff- ha
I will be hosting a "thank you" dessert social at GSV for all of the people who helped me in MANY ways during my journey with Jimmy- I am hoping that Jimmy sees this and smiles- because I think about our baking day last year- he was so intent on helping with the Christmas cookies- I will NEVER forget that either-
Much love to all

A big thank you to Suzanne for the wonderful Reiki yesterday. I feel different somehow. When I looked at Jimmy's pictures this morning, I smiled... I smiled! That is so different from the norm. Suz let me know that I have to let go of all of the feelings of letting Jimmy down, of thinking that there was more I should have done- others have told me this too, but when she said it to me yesterday- it was like a cloud overhead breaking up and the sunlight coming through. Healing will not come if I can't get rid of the negative. She also said that ANYONE that knew me and saw inside our world, would KNOW that I did everything for Jimmy. That boy and I had such a connection- a rare and beautiful connection! Suz let me know that I have to heal for Jimmy as well... I am working at this. For the first time in MANY MANY months- I slept rather well... more than 2-3 hours in a row. I credit Suz and the Reiki for that as well.
Thank you Suz- I will see you again in a month- I know you will help me through this!! :)

Well, Jimmy's father and myself have been through a few firsts now- the 1st month anniversary of our loss- the first family dinner without Jimmy- the first Mother's Day - the first Memorial Day Picnic - the first Father's Day - and today... the 2nd anniversary. It will soon be Damion's (Nephew) 6th birthday. Jimmy should be here to celebrate it- to jump on the trampoline, to play the life size angry birds game in the back yard, taking the hose to the kids to soak them down after the hot day... I can just imagine it ALL! Jimmy was always so full of life and ready to jump in and have a good time with the kids- even though he thought they could be brats now and again- he loved them so much! They miss him very much- when they think of him and say "he's in heaven right?"- they say "I'm so sad when I think about Uncle Jimmy"... all I can say is "me too baby, me too!" Jeff, Ryan and Seany have been involved and that helps- they will be joining us at the party with Damion- I am so happy for that.
 Recently Jimmy's request to be taken back to the Appalachian Trail had been honored by Jeff, Ryan and Jared- he was taken back to Katadin- it was such a great experience for these wonderful young men to pay tribute and honor their good friend. Seany will be honoring Jimmy's wishes as well by taking him to the Delaware river to the back flip point in July. These boys had such a strong bond and for them to be doing this for Jimmy shows just what they are made of. Thanks guys- you are all great. Jimmy will also have his wishes granted to be spread out- in August he will have a trip to Niagara Falls. I am trying my best to grant all of the wishes that Jimmy had. All in his honor and fondest memories. I also find myself going out of my way to go to any type of benefit and donating generously. I know Jimmy is watching with a proud smile- "that's my Mom"!
I miss him so much- He was such a huge part of me-
I went to see Patti in Connecticut and it was nice to hear some of the stuff she had to say-
I will try to make him even more proud each day. I do try NOT to think of leaving this life every day, but it does come up quite often. I know that he says that I need to stay here and be with the other kids- "they need you" he says.
Thanks to every one's continued emotional support- you all mean the world to me! You KNOW who you are!!!!! YOU KNOW!!!! <3  <3  <3 

I want to say a big thank you to a man that gave us time with Jimmy. Way back in September when we learned Jimmy had cancer- we had a LOT of doors closed in our face because we didn't have insurance at that point. Hershey said "sorry" and then we met with Dr. Tracy DeGreen. He was on board with us immediately. He made things happen BEFORE we even had insurance- he called on favors from his friends (other doctors). Dr. Backarack inserted the power port 2 days after meeting with Tracy and only one day after meeting Dr. Backarack. Then we had our first chemo treatment at LCC only a week after meeting Tracy. Tracy wanted to give Jimmy the benefit of TRYING to live. He hit Jimmy very hard with a vigorous regimen. We had hopes of Jimmy's age and strength getting him through this. During these months of treatments, we went for another 2nd opinion, we went to Dr. Davis, a very well-known, respected oncologist. He is all about his patients and will fight for them. He was very surprised that the chemo was working, as he had studied the biopsy results as well before our appointment with him. This cancer, as we found out, was very aggressive. This is the worst case that Davis or DeGreen had ever seen. AND the ONLY case with the choriocarcinoma differential that they had seen. The cancer was so aggressive that when they would do a biopsy, only 15% was live cancer. They hadn't seen such an aggressive cancer before. But Tracy tried to save Jimmy's life. Davis told us to keep doing exactly what we were doing (Tracy's regimen) because it was slowing it down. Tracy gave us another Christmas, Birthday and Easter with Jimmy. Had he not intervened, we may not have had Christmas with Jimmy, possibly not even Thanksgiving. I STILL don't understand what happened- I thought Jimmy was going to kick this in the ass. He was so big and strong. I think that the next day will be better- ok, maybe tomorrow... but, not so far is it getting any better.
I hate that I am harboring ill feelings to some people that were not helpful to me during a VERY difficult time in my life. As I was trying to struggle getting insurance for Jimmy, Appointments, SSD applications, finding good doctors, etc. I was put down by some people saying that I didn't care enough- that I wasn't doing enough. This HURT me so badly that now I am having trouble letting all of these feelings release and be free of them. Please pray that I may let these feelings go- I can't hold these in anymore. I need to allow my heart to heal. This adds to the feeling of letting Jimmy down- I couldn't save him.... I couldn't save him... for all those that loved him "I am sorry that I couldn't save him"! I have failed everyone!