These harsh treatments really knock Jimmy on his butt. It's rough for me to watch, especially after seeing him growing stronger and stronger... then the next chemo treatment comes along and I see exactly what it can do to my boy. I KNOW that this is what we have to do in order to get ahead of the disease- but it STILL doesn't make it any easier to watch. :(
I am just praying that this new drug (Erbitux) that they want to give him weekly doesn't knock him down too badly. I am sure it will take it's toll, but please God, be easy on him. For a mother to see her big strong son in this manner really cuts deep- it gets into my soul... way deep into my soul. I want nothing more than to take this disease away from him- I would most definatly take it upon myself (as would his father, Troy)- he's way too young for this. So many days/nights during these past three months since we learned that he had the cancer, I have just sat and stared at him- wanting NOTHING more than to scoop him up in my arms and make him all better like I did when he was a little boy.
I lived in silence here at the house- just waiting to hear him come out of his bedroom, waiting to hear ANY sound downstairs. It's something that I didn't think about until I talked to someone about it the other day... weird, how you just DO what has to be DONE.
We WILL do this... we WILL strive forward... we WILL be here for ANYONE else that needs us and anything we can do to help.
I will NEVER forget what Jimmy said to me when we were on our way home from Hershey after he learned that they were giving up on him. Imagine hearing this and then trying to hold it all together while driving your son home... it was the HARDEST thing I have ever done... I was filled with SO MANY emotions- I was mad, mad that it happened to us. I was sad, sad that he had to go through this. I was hurt, hurt that God would do this to such a great kid. He has had a job since he was 14 years old- was a good kid (minus dumb stuff that he learned from), and THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS TO GOOD PEOPLE>??!! REEEEEAAAALLLYYYYYyyyyyyyyy?!?!?! He saw that I was struggling, I kept trying to swallow the tears- it was so hard- I knew he didn't need to see that... he needed someone that was going to stand strong... and THAT WAS GONNA BE ME!!! He said to me "Something good will come of this". "Something good will come of this....??? holy shit, really? I mean, how can someone that has just been handed a death sentence feel this way??!! Well, I was no longer able to hold the tears back and then got mad because I couldn't.. so I got angry. He then said to me "you can't be mad". OH YES I CAN!! OH YES I CAN!! Can you just imagine?!
I must apologize for this blog being all over the place- I just remembered things as I kept typing. I am sure that everyone will understand!
Well, it's soon time for Jimmy to have his 2 injections and his round of pills. Thank you for reading!! We will do better at trying to post more often.
