Jimmy found a way to give momma a Christmas gift. Strange how this world works. I was at work this morning and a co-worker from another department came to my office and gave me the gift. Seems that Jimmy's 9th grade teacher, Mr. Leaman had been at GSV for some sort of gathering and gave Colleen (the co-worker) a disc of Jimmy in 9th grade along with a very warm card about how much he liked Jimmy and all that Jimmy was. The magic of the universe is amazing to me. Thank you, Mark for the gift - it was most thoughtful of you. And thank you Jimmy for continuing to be there for Momma. I love you!!

Thank You Cheryl.

Awe, Brianna- thank you for your kind words. You and Jimmy had quite a connection- that is for sure. Thanks for being such a big part of his life! I too loved seeing the man he turned out to be!! :)

Cheryl, I LOVE THAT PIC!! I know I have it somewhere- but would LOVE to see it posted. If you can't post on the guestbook side- just email it to me and I would LOVE to share it here.

Clare, Yes... those damn scrubbies were hours worth of fun!

Today the girls and I had a reading in Leola- it was pretty cool to learn of one so close. She hit on several topics that only my boy would know- it was neat to have the 3 of us there for it, but I believe that each should go alone now for a little more private moments with Jimmy. 

The first snow...

Oh my goodness- I woke up and saw the first snow of the season and felt so alive, so happy inside, smiling with my whole body, I guess one would say. It brought back so many memories of the kids. I would work night shift, never knowing what time I would be getting home. When the first snow would hit- I would go home and wake the kids... get them to a window and have them see the snow. I don't know what it is about snow, it seems to have a clean slate feel, like you can start over again, like there is something good coming. I don't know, maybe I am alone in my thinking, but I KNOW that Jimmy loved the snow as much as I did. Back to the story, sorry, the kids would get bundled up and we would go out into the first fallen snow- we made snow angels, fresh snow snowman, snowballs, forts... this would all happen sometimes at 1-2am. The kids always talked about "the time when we" and I LOVE hearing it. I wonder how Jimmy is enjoying his first snow?! I see him and Rick having a snowball battle; each hiding behind their own handmade forts!! Makes me smile just thinking about it.

Happy moments...

This is the week that all of the kids and I looked forward to- DEER SEASON!! We would be like wild animals let out of their cages- yes, even me! We would wave goodbye to dad and as soon as he was out of sight, we would blast the music and literally run around the house. We would play rough and tumble games in the house, run from room to room, play loud music- all of the things that were not done when dad was there. These are GREAT memories for the kids and I - Jimmy, as you could even imagine, was one of the wilder run loose ones in the bunch! :)
We used to play this hiding game with plastic colorful scrubbies- that was very fun. Jimmy came up with some great hiding places!!! We even had friends over during these 'free' times. Now don't get me wrong, we still loved dad- this was just mom and kids time and it was awesome!!

Clare, thank you for the kindness you and Jeff have shown me. You and many others mean so much to me too. I am just very very lucky to have such a wonderful support system- I will never be able to thank you all enough. From work people to Rick's friends and family to all of you to people met within the last year. Thank You

another holiday....

I sit and think... what am I going to make for Thanksgiving dinner this year. I don't know WHY I would even need to think... it has been the same for years, old family favorites, always!! I would have to save some boiled potatoes from the pot before mashing because that's the way Jimmy liked them. He always felt like it was special treatment-to me it was juust a mom making her kids happy- BUT I will take the "special treatment feeling", that just made it sweeter for me. Jimmy also loved brown butter noodles instead of broth noodles... his brother and I were the ones that always wanted the broth noodles!! So I would make both. Such memories.... I do smile most times, even though there may be tears in the eyes, when I remember so many things. Happy Thanksgiving Boy!! - and to all of you wonderful people that read this post- Happy Thanksgiving, may God bless each and every one of you with good health and happiness.
~Marie

Clare,
Yes, Bartman... I have just about EVERY picture drawn by that boy! My plan was to post one a day.. but that didn't happen yet. I will continue trying.

Cheryl,
Thank you, I LOVE THAT PICTURE... I was going to post that along with the post, but I didn't. That was a VERY SPECIAL night for me- everything he was going through and he thought of Mah!!  Now, he didn't give too much thought to what it would do to my old ticker... haha

A sad day today...

One year ago today, while spending all but 3 days of November in the hospital with Jimmy, he had begun planning a small heart attack for me. I was with this boy all day and night- if it were not for texting he would never have had the chance to surprise me with a family get together for my birthday. Just as we had done most days- we would sit and talk, sometimes just watch tv in silence, and the days would pass us by. Around supper time on November 20th, 2011 he wanted to walk down to the cafe on the bottom floor. He KNEW that ANY time he would walk off of the floor I was ECSTATIC! So... keeping this in mind, he plotted!! He was texting his sisters and brother to get the surprise going. He wouldn't allow any other visitors that evening- he wanted just his family there. That was so special to me... this boy, my son, James Duane!! We finished downstairs and we slowly made our way back to 8-Lime, talking the whole way up to the floor. When we got to 8-Lime, he started to slow down a little and asked that I walk ahead of him (as usual, I was at his side), because people were "staring at him". I didn't think anything of it, if he was upset about something- I would just jump in and do what needed to be done to comfort him at the time. Little did I know that he wanted me to open the door first so that I got the full effect of the small heart attack. "SURPRISE" rang from the room as I opened the door. OH MY GOSH... I screamed and turned to dart out the door from shear shock and knee jerk reaction. There inside were all of my kids and their partners along with Grand kids. I was so surprised and shocked that it took me a little while to recoup and find out WHO was at the root of this. Jimmy's smirk told the story!! I love you James... I miss you so deeply. Such a big part of me is gone. You and I had a relationship like no other, we were 'the same person' I was so lucky to have had you as a son - I just wish that life was not so damn ridiculous and you would still be here to compliment who I am. I miss calling you with stupid humor that no one else would 'get'... and you to me. SOME DAY....

I just got home from grocery shopping- while at Giant I saw a young man about Jimmy's age, with brown hair, same build and wearing crazy shorts. As I walked slowly by this young man (trying not to allow him to see me stare at him intently) I heard him talking to his friend that accompanied him- and he had the same kindred carefree spirit that Jimmy carried. It took all I had to not run up to this young man and introduce myself and ask for one of the famous 'Jimmy hugs'. I probably would have been asked to leave the store..... maybe even ushered to the door.
 I did leave the store smiling though- feeling Jimmy's presence around me!!

Let me start by saying that I agree whole heartledly - this site, until recent, has been a great place. I am sorry that things have taken this turn- that this has spilled over.

I am VERY happy to learn/know how many people love Jimmy- it made me so proud to see the wonderful man that he turned out to be, and the people around him that showed him love was an attribute to that. Thank you to everyone for this!

I am not threatened by the show of love.... my family had been affected by a post, and as a Mom- the first instinct is to protect them, which I am sure most Moms can attest to. I know Jimmy wouldn't want us hurting any more that we already are. I am sorry if this offended anyone- I truly am.

Until you have walked in my shoes, been through what I have been through, endured what I've endured and ignored what I have had to ignore- all for the sake of my son- don't be so disappointed! (You do not have the entire story)

And Mom under attack and having to defend herself... yea, that's what Jimmy would have wanted, right?!

My heart is very heavy and I am so sad to have had to type this... I would love nothing more than for everyone to get along- for wounds to heal.

 I am trying to heal old wounds, trying to let go of old animosity... this is not helping my plight. We all really need to heal- step back and lick our wounds- allow them to scab over and close, so that we are protected once again from things that can hurt.

visit

This morning I couldn't sleep, so I turned on the TV in the bedroom to watch it a little- which is so rare it is ridiculous. Anyhow... I watched a show or two and then decided to get up and get moving. I turned off the TV and came out to let the dog out. When I came back in- the TV was on again. I went back and turned it off- not paying attention to what was on. I went back out and watered plants and let the dogs back in. I stopped and turned my head so that my ear was facing the bedroom - AGAIN, the TV was on... I joked "OK, Jimmy... I will watch it". When I went back and stood at the TV- it was an episode of Home Improvement... I got back there in time to see Tim holding his wife and comforting her- her dad just passed away and she didn't get to see him or tell him that she loved him. How strange- I finished watching it and turned it off one last time. -sad-
I had to say out loud to Jimmy "I love you too"!! I believe!!
The TV hasn't turned back on. I think Jimmy needed to let me know he loved me....
 I miss that boy- my boy, James!

Thank you for proving my point :(

Opinions vary greatly

Those closest know

If only. . .
If only. . .

Wounds

I want to ask a favor of all of you out there....
Please think about how others, mainly family, will feel about what you post to Jimmy's FB page. I allowed it to remain so that others could use it as a healing tool. Please just take time to think about how you would feel being on this side of his passing. I know that many people have been affected by Jimmy's passing, but none to the magnitude of Father, Mother, Sister, Brother, etc. I would never claim to miss Rick more than his Daughter, Sister, Brothers... that would be just silly of me. They have spent a lifetime with him, as we have with Jimmy. I would hurt these people tremendously having claimed such things. But, I do stay in touch with all of the said above, most of whom I see weekly- it helps to keep Rick's memory alive in a positive and friendly manner so that we may continue helping one another heal.
This is what I desire for Jimmy's memory- he would not want people to be ripped apart, or made to feel badly. So, again, please use his site for healing and sharing, not a contest to see who misses him more or who has the best memories, because EACH memory will be the best one when reflected in the eyes of whom it was made with.
Just remember how much Jimmy "loved" drama, and maybe that will help in deciding what to post and what to share privately with whomever said memory involved.
Please allow his family who remains on FB the privilege to see Jimmy's memory honored in a positive and friendly light.
Wounds are still fresh for everyone- let us allow them the proper healing.
Thank you for understanding.

Last night I dreamt of all of the Christmases with Jimmy and all of the gifts that MOST moms wouldn't give their kids. Like funny (sometimes daring) T-Shirts. He LOVED those shirts- when he wore them and people would comment on them, he would say- "Yea, my mom got me this". So, when I would meet people now and again- I would hear- "so, you are the one that got him these shirts?" I never knew that a T-shirt would spark such interest... and now such memories!!

Memory....

Last night I was on my way home from work (had a late meeting) and I was singing along with the radio. A memory came flooding back to me that made me smile. When the boys were young, we lived in the mountains, just the three of us. Anytime we would be in the car (or even at home) I would have music playing. When I would sing with the music, they would just stop what they were doing and stare at me - as if they were mesmerized. As they got older, they would tell me that I sang so good. Ha.... I loved that of course. I was so happy that they were tone deaf- or just didn't know any better... their mommy was a music star!!
So when I thought of this last night- the feelings that I had when they were young came flowing right back through me. :)

Well, I have been checking to see if someone had posted Jimmy's whereabouts in his travels. I KNOW that he is so proud of us all and what we are doing in his name. He would have been thinking up soooo many different things to do with his buddies. I can only imagine the lengths he would have gone. Hell, he would probably figured out a way to get someone to the moon. Ha Well, today is yet another family get together without my boy. One knows how important family is but you don't FEEL it until you lose that family. I have always been a HUGE FAMILY PERSON.... I try to continue this, though sometimes I feel I am not as 'into' it as before. I really don't know how to explain it- it's just different.
Thank you to everyone that still comes to the site and the words of encouragement are appreciated. I love you all too. Carla (Lanfill's girlfriend) ... (aka, Brendan) < that was for you Carla...sent me a pic that reminded her of Jimmy during recent travels. I thought it was so very sweet for them to think of me and email me the pic. I will share.
Again, thank you all for being part of our lives. Jimmy is always watching- do it right!!

Another family get together today without Jimmy. :(

Last night I had a dream that I went straight from work to a party. During that party I remembered that "Shit, I haven't seen Jimmy yet today", so this morning when I woke up I KNEW that I HAD to go see him today before work. What a shitty feeling when I gathered myself and remembered the real world. Dreams..... :(

These are pictures of Landfill -some call him Brendon :) - he and his girlfriend, Carla,  ran some races and did them in the name of Jimmy. The one race was a 200 mile relay across Massachusetts.... WOW. I am constantly amazed at just how much and how many people Jimmy has touched at such a young age. I am still so proud of him! Thank you for sharing the pics Carla-

Tonight is my monthly dinner with Clare, A.K.A. Jeff's Mom. I have been really blessed to have such a GREAT circle of friends around me.... from my kids to Rick's friends and family to Jimmy's friends to my work place. I am sure that things would have been very different had I not had the support, because even with the support system, there were lots of times I didn't want to be here. So, I know I am saying it for my kids as well as myself- "Thank You"

Four months today.....so sad!!
I wanted to share a fun picture....

This is Jimmy's Uncle Duane & Aunt Judy.... God, my family rocks! LOL

I sure hope to see a post on here to see where he ended up. That is so cool. I loved the rainbow. He loved it when the rainbows were double. I know he is watching and saying "Wow, what a great bunch of people are surrounding my Maw"!! I don't blame you for waiting the extra day, Clare. I would've been pretty shy about it too with lots of people around. I will try to get the video that you shot on here the next few days. AND Thank You once again- that was EXACTLY what he would have done for others. Jimmy would be trying to come up with as many places and crazy ways of taking his friends places as he could- I could just hear him plotting now!!
I miss him so damn much.....

Well, today is the day of the trip down the falls. Jeff wanted to put a paper inside explaining the story...- he came to my work on Saturday when he was finished with the barrel and we made a sticker to put on it with this site address on so that the person finding it could read the story of Jimmy. We asked them to post and let us know where the barrel was found. This is really neat- a 'Make Jimmy proud' moment for sure- this is shit that he would be doing for someone else had it been different.
Thanks for the thoughts Sherry- they mean a lot to me.

Jimmy is on his way to Niagra Falls with Clare "Jeff's Mom". I hope to post a picture of the barrel that Jeff made - it took him a couple of weeks to complete- it looks awesome. I love that they are doing this to honor Jimmy. That is so huge!!

Sleep just does not come most nights. I feel like a walking zombie. I lie awake at night thinking about Jimmy's last months, days, hours, minutes. The way he would stare at his skinny sickly legs- the look on his face- so sad... the struggle to get him out of bed- trying not to hurt him... he knew what was going on- kills me... but mostly- when he drew his last breath- I can never get that out of my mind. His family surrounded him- me on one side and Krista on the other- rubbing his arms and head and holding his hand. Shelley was at the bottom of the bed- spouses and BF there as well. Dad was sitting vigil as well. How can this all be true?! How can someone like Jimmy be gone from such a horrible thing?! Why the hell can't it be the scums of the Earth, and not the good people?!

I posted a very large entry- I think that by me adding the pictures, it pushed it off. I tried to copy and repost.... but I can't seem to do do that. Maybe I will contact Paul to see how we can repost it to bring it forward for others to see.
Thanks for reading.
Thanks Clare- wait until you SEE the tattoo in person. :)

I also should have added that the words on the tattoo are a random note that Jimmy had written to me and placed on the counter months ago. I kept that note and had it lamintaed and now it rides in my car with me everywhere. I am so glad that I had that note- how I feel to see the words daily in his hand writing is more than I can try to explain.

I guess I should give a little background on this tattoo. When Jimmy finally got around to (after the trail) getting his 'Jesus-type' hair style cut to his 'normal' cut, Jeff and he stopped and took Pics of his 'mullet' cut... it is PRICELESS!!! He also had on one of the shirts that I had purchased for him... it says... Don't pretend that you don't WANT SOME OF THIS. HAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaa.. Jimmy LOVED the shirts that I got him, he would BRAG to his co-workers that his MOM got them for him. I had one fella introduce himself to me and say "So you are the one that got him all of those T-Shirts?" I LOVE IT!! I was as proud of him as he was of me. He was so very special.

Great pics, right?!

Clare-
I am sooooo excited for this. I am just so priveledged to be part of the love and friendship. I KNOW Jeff loveS Jimmy very much and all of his actions show this on a consitant basis. I LOVE that Jimmy's wishes are being carried out. I also LOVE the idea of the website being placed on the barrel- what a GREAT IDEA. We will stay tuned to see what happens!! Thanks Clare - I love you!!

Last week was a good one. I had several GREAT moments. I decided to do a dessert social for everyone at GSV that helped me to spend the time I needed with Jimmy during our journey together; from employees donating their precious PTO to residents attending fundraisers to sending cards and saying prayers of healing and support. I spent the evening on Wednesday after work baking cakes and tarts. Thursday, Shelley came over (for a little while) and we baked LOTS of cookies, etc. I FELT Jimmy so strongly as I was baking- I can't explain the feeling, other than I felt a sense of love and pride- it felt as if he was giving his apporval of what I was doing. IT WAS AWESOME!! I even used a couple of recipes from a resident that passed away a few years ago. I want her to know that I am watching over her husband very carefully- He (Lloyd) loved that I honored her with using her recipes... that in itself was rewarding and special. (ps- the picture of the cheesecake tart was her recipe)
After all was done- I had baked 19 different types of yummy desserts for a VERY IMPORTANT thank you to a VERY IMPORTANT group of people. Friday, my girls (Krista and Shelley) along with my beautiful grandkids, (Damion and Zen) came to GSV to help me set up our wonderful dessert reception for our guests. I printed out a card that had "thank you" in several languges and signed by our family, which was handed out to each guest by Damion and Zen. They all LOVED the kids... who wouldn't. I am just sorry that I don't have any pictures of that day to share.
So, that was Wednesday, Thursday and Friday... not to downplay ANY of that, but my happiest moment was Saturday... I FINALLY got my tattoo- I have waited on it for a long time... BUT it was VERY worth it.
Jackie at 717 tattoo did a FABULOUS job with the VERY SPECIAL and PERSONAL tattoo- I am MORE than happy with it. I had gotten 2 other small ones a little earlier which mean alot as well... I have his signature, from one of his mother's day cards to me, by Rick's heart locket and a bird in the heavens by Rick's key from heaven. These are special to me as well.... BUT the one on my left thigh (Rick's is on the right) is SO special. I will post pictures.
Sunday I went to Weis to purchase items for our weekly family dinner - I was in such a great mood- like Jimmy was lifting me up- I sang as I shopped- I don't know why... I just know I felt very happy. As I was leaving the store, I looked at the 'crane game' by the exit door that Jimmy used to play EVERY TIME he left there- and when he won something, he would give ot to the next child he saw- some mothers looked at him like "hey, perv- my child cannot accept that"... he used to just laugh that off... what else could he do?! ANYHOW>..... I put my dollar in (like any other time I leave the store) thinking that I would have just wasted yet another dollar- well... try one... I came up empty - the second try on the dollar- I got a ballcap.... Jimmy was there with me!! :)
I kept the grandkids Sunday evening - and when we got up this morning we made special pancakes- I LOVE my time with them!! AND with the different shapes they expect me to make 'look' like their request keeps me on my toes... and again, I KNOW that Jimmy is so proud of what I am doing...
Thanks for reading and look for the posted pictures....
Love and hugs to all

Well... today marks 3 months since I lost a VERY IMPORTANT part of my being, part of my soul, part of WHO I AM/WAS.

 I had a very beneficial Reiki with Suzanne again... I got to see Sarah as well today and that was just a fantastic bonus. These 2 WONDERFUL ladies helped us so much in the journey- we were so blessed to have had them on our side. NOTHING would be a big enough thank you to them both. Sarah, you stay safe in your upcoming journey!!

Jimmy is all around me, I know this...., I feel this, BUT it is still so hard for me to accept that he is not of Earthly stature any more. I have had such a hard time looking at his pictures for any length of time. I am getting better though... as I told Suz today.

Emily (my boss) lets me know that what Jimmy and I shared is so amazing and that we got to tell one another over and over just how the other felt is such a blessing- we sometimes don't do that enough and when someone gets taken away- we wish that we would have said so many things- thank God that Jimmy and I said them.... imagine not having that- Oh my God. I would be so much more devastated. So, when you are pissed off at Mom or Dad or even a sibling or significant other- just remember that they can be taken away in the blink of an eye- Jimmy and I were lucky enough for that hadn't happened to us. Love one another- look through the pettiness!!

The love continues.... Jimmy will be riding Niagara Falls in a barrel made by Jeff and carried out by Clare, A.K.A. "Jeff's Mom"- love you CLARE! It is so awesome that he had friends like this- friends that respected him and now his wishes to be spread out- Gotta love that Boy!!

And a big sorry to Carla- Lanfill's GIRLFRIEND- I wish that I would have READ the entire letter before posting- thank you for the wonderful words and the GREAT SCARF-

Much love to all.....

I had another amazing evening with Clare- thank you so much for all you do. It is nice to sit and talk about Jimmy with you. AND all of the other stuff we have in common- *wink wink* - Jimmy knows.... ha
I also want to thank Carla, Landfill's mother, for a very nice letter- I am truly sorry for your loss- I know that type of pain as well... yes, Jimmy has touched SOOOO many people over his short years here on this Earth- he was (and still is) a very important part of many people's lives. He has been an inspiration and a beacon for many- his family miss him so much and still recall all of the moments and lessons that he has taught. We get together every Sunday (friends invited) and enjoy the times shared and moments remembered - I hope that we can continue this for a VERY LONG TIME! Thursday will be 3 months and sometimes it feels just like yesterday that Jimmy and I were texting or talking on the phone- or I was rubbing his feet (he LOVED that) - or we just sat in silence and it was ok, because we each KNEW how the other felt... one of the texts that we sent one another had something along those lines of---- even if we don't speak- I feel you there- I know your presence- I know you care! He had commented that he felt so much better for me just BEING THERE- it eased his mind. And his words "ONLY my Mom can calm me- only she can talk me down from the edge" I will NEVER forget those words. It helps (even if a little) to know how much I meant to him- BUT probably NEVER as much as he meant to me.
Thank you Clare for your wonderful words- I hope to continue making Jimmy proud for a long time. I love to talk to Jeff about Jimmy- he was his best friend for a long time and to hear some of the stuff that Jimmy would say is nice- Thanks Jeff for only telling me the NICE stuff- ha
I will be hosting a "thank you" dessert social at GSV for all of the people who helped me in MANY ways during my journey with Jimmy- I am hoping that Jimmy sees this and smiles- because I think about our baking day last year- he was so intent on helping with the Christmas cookies- I will NEVER forget that either-
Much love to all

A big thank you to Suzanne for the wonderful Reiki yesterday. I feel different somehow. When I looked at Jimmy's pictures this morning, I smiled... I smiled! That is so different from the norm. Suz let me know that I have to let go of all of the feelings of letting Jimmy down, of thinking that there was more I should have done- others have told me this too, but when she said it to me yesterday- it was like a cloud overhead breaking up and the sunlight coming through. Healing will not come if I can't get rid of the negative. She also said that ANYONE that knew me and saw inside our world, would KNOW that I did everything for Jimmy. That boy and I had such a connection- a rare and beautiful connection! Suz let me know that I have to heal for Jimmy as well... I am working at this. For the first time in MANY MANY months- I slept rather well... more than 2-3 hours in a row. I credit Suz and the Reiki for that as well.
Thank you Suz- I will see you again in a month- I know you will help me through this!! :)

Well, Jimmy's father and myself have been through a few firsts now- the 1st month anniversary of our loss- the first family dinner without Jimmy- the first Mother's Day - the first Memorial Day Picnic - the first Father's Day - and today... the 2nd anniversary. It will soon be Damion's (Nephew) 6th birthday. Jimmy should be here to celebrate it- to jump on the trampoline, to play the life size angry birds game in the back yard, taking the hose to the kids to soak them down after the hot day... I can just imagine it ALL! Jimmy was always so full of life and ready to jump in and have a good time with the kids- even though he thought they could be brats now and again- he loved them so much! They miss him very much- when they think of him and say "he's in heaven right?"- they say "I'm so sad when I think about Uncle Jimmy"... all I can say is "me too baby, me too!" Jeff, Ryan and Seany have been involved and that helps- they will be joining us at the party with Damion- I am so happy for that.
 Recently Jimmy's request to be taken back to the Appalachian Trail had been honored by Jeff, Ryan and Jared- he was taken back to Katadin- it was such a great experience for these wonderful young men to pay tribute and honor their good friend. Seany will be honoring Jimmy's wishes as well by taking him to the Delaware river to the back flip point in July. These boys had such a strong bond and for them to be doing this for Jimmy shows just what they are made of. Thanks guys- you are all great. Jimmy will also have his wishes granted to be spread out- in August he will have a trip to Niagara Falls. I am trying my best to grant all of the wishes that Jimmy had. All in his honor and fondest memories. I also find myself going out of my way to go to any type of benefit and donating generously. I know Jimmy is watching with a proud smile- "that's my Mom"!
I miss him so much- He was such a huge part of me-
I went to see Patti in Connecticut and it was nice to hear some of the stuff she had to say-
I will try to make him even more proud each day. I do try NOT to think of leaving this life every day, but it does come up quite often. I know that he says that I need to stay here and be with the other kids- "they need you" he says.
Thanks to every one's continued emotional support- you all mean the world to me! You KNOW who you are!!!!! YOU KNOW!!!! <3  <3  <3 

I want to say a big thank you to a man that gave us time with Jimmy. Way back in September when we learned Jimmy had cancer- we had a LOT of doors closed in our face because we didn't have insurance at that point. Hershey said "sorry" and then we met with Dr. Tracy DeGreen. He was on board with us immediately. He made things happen BEFORE we even had insurance- he called on favors from his friends (other doctors). Dr. Backarack inserted the power port 2 days after meeting with Tracy and only one day after meeting Dr. Backarack. Then we had our first chemo treatment at LCC only a week after meeting Tracy. Tracy wanted to give Jimmy the benefit of TRYING to live. He hit Jimmy very hard with a vigorous regimen. We had hopes of Jimmy's age and strength getting him through this. During these months of treatments, we went for another 2nd opinion, we went to Dr. Davis, a very well-known, respected oncologist. He is all about his patients and will fight for them. He was very surprised that the chemo was working, as he had studied the biopsy results as well before our appointment with him. This cancer, as we found out, was very aggressive. This is the worst case that Davis or DeGreen had ever seen. AND the ONLY case with the choriocarcinoma differential that they had seen. The cancer was so aggressive that when they would do a biopsy, only 15% was live cancer. They hadn't seen such an aggressive cancer before. But Tracy tried to save Jimmy's life. Davis told us to keep doing exactly what we were doing (Tracy's regimen) because it was slowing it down. Tracy gave us another Christmas, Birthday and Easter with Jimmy. Had he not intervened, we may not have had Christmas with Jimmy, possibly not even Thanksgiving. I STILL don't understand what happened- I thought Jimmy was going to kick this in the ass. He was so big and strong. I think that the next day will be better- ok, maybe tomorrow... but, not so far is it getting any better.
I hate that I am harboring ill feelings to some people that were not helpful to me during a VERY difficult time in my life. As I was trying to struggle getting insurance for Jimmy, Appointments, SSD applications, finding good doctors, etc. I was put down by some people saying that I didn't care enough- that I wasn't doing enough. This HURT me so badly that now I am having trouble letting all of these feelings release and be free of them. Please pray that I may let these feelings go- I can't hold these in anymore. I need to allow my heart to heal. This adds to the feeling of letting Jimmy down- I couldn't save him.... I couldn't save him... for all those that loved him "I am sorry that I couldn't save him"! I have failed everyone!   

Thank You Everybody

I want to personally thank everybody for basically being so wonderful and being there for Jimmy and his family. Getting the chance to know everybody these past few months has truly been a blessing. While I wish there never had been a need for this web site, I feel honored to have been the one to administer it. Thank you everybody for letting your feelings be known through the guestbook, and thank you for reciprocating the love that Jimmy gave to everyone he knew.

Marie was surprised to learn the number of people that are still visiting the site on a daily basis, and suggested that I post some of the numbers here for all to see. I think it shows just how far Jimmy's story has reached, shows the boundlessness of his love, and the amount of love that people have for him.

From the site's launch on December 19th, 2011 until writing this (and the numbers are still climbing):

• 8,604 Visits
• 1,716 Unique Visitors
• 11 Different Countries
• 40 Different States
• Highest Number of Visits in One Day - 404 (20 April)

I will be, in time, changing this site to be a slideshow of any and all pictures and written memories I can collect of Jimmy and the adventures he had in life. I will be maintaining this site for as long as is possible in his memory, since his inspirations will last a lifetime, so should this memorial. I ask that if you have any photos or short stories (one paragraph or less please) that can be added to the slideshow, please email them to me at kpmsites@gmail.com.

Again, thank you so much everyone. It has been my absolute honor to have been involved in the sharing of such a wonderful and inspirational life. I can only hope and pray that I have provided a worthy service to those that needed it most.

Celebration Of Life

The celebration of life:
Sunday April 22nd at Garden Spot Village (433 South Kinzer Avenue in New Holland)- taking place in the chapel. I encourage you all (who has) to wear your Team J-Bird shirts to help lift us all. The viewing will be from 2:30-5:00PM. Immediate family will be viewing from 2-2:30pm. Please allow us that time to prepare for our guests. There will be a ceremony following the viewing and then refreshments served "Jimmy Style" at the indoor park at GSV immediately following the ceremony. Thank you all again for your words and all of the thoughts and prayers.

Ok- I lied to you all

I will be posting one more time after this... I have to give the celebration of life information to anyone that wants to come and celebrate Jimmy's life with us. This will be posted later today.

Jimmy is at peace

Jimmy is at rest now. He has no more pain. This will be my last post. Thank you all so much for your time, thoughts and prayers.

I'm sorry that I haven't been posting lately. Things suck out loud. Thanks for your thoughts and prayers for Jimmy. He still needs the peace of heart and mind.

Back in hospice center

Well, we came back into the hospice center today. Jimmy just wasn't comfortable at home. I wanted him to try to do what he wanted. He tried it and then wasn't comfortable.... Not sure if he tried it for us or for himself more. BUT, he DID try it. They upped his meds again and he is now resting comfortably. His sister, Shelley, went out and got him a neck pillow. We are all on such edge- all going through so many emotions. I sit at his side and I hold all of my emotions in- I want to stay strong... not just for him, but for all of the others as well. Addy is holding strong as well. She is a good girl. I was so happy that she decided not to run when Jimmy was diagnosed- she has been a major part of this journey thus far.
Thank you all for the continuing prayers for Jimmy and Addy.

First Night Home

Last night didn't go too badly. Jeff, a.k.a. fish, he walked the trail with Jimmy, came over last night after we got settled in. Jimmy had a lot of pain- the trip was very painful and exhausting for him. The nurse came and did her thing. I showed her that the dilaudid was almost empty- she said that if she thought he would run out overnight she would call. She did her calculations and sure enough she gave me a call later to tell me that Horizon would be delivering a bag to us around 11pm. The dude that had to mix it came in from Harrisburg to do it for Jimmy. The med got here around 10- I called nurse to let her know and she showed up around 10:30-11 to change it over. She did her thing and left. We gave Jimmy his benedryl and got him settled in. Addy warned me that she would probably be calling me around 4am to help Jimmy up to urinate. (He said he didn't have to before bed) Sure enough, right before 4 my phone rang. Up out of bed and down the steps- helped Addy with Jimmy, gave him another dose of benedryl and off to sleep. 8am med- decadron - I get it ready and feel badly that I have to go in and wake them. As I walk in Jimmy's head comes off of bed- he was already awake. I gave meds and got him some ice water and ice for his brisk tea- get him a few sips as Addy is by his side pushing his bolus button to get his pain under some sort of control. When the nurse comes out today- they will be upping it again....
Continue prayers for pain relief and peace! Thank you!!

Home

We will be going home again today. Jimmy doesn't want to leave until 5pm. I think that he just picked a time out of his hat, but whatever he is comfortable with, we will do. We are a little anxious about moving him (himself included), because of all the pain involved with each movement. His Dad (Troy) suggested red rose transit so that we would just have to move him from the bed to wheelchair to his bed. The team here is getting it all lined up to execute at the time chosen by Jimmy. Otherwise it would be from bed to wheelchair to car to wheelchair to bed. That just seems like too many unnecessary steps of pain to put him through. There will be a nurse meeting us at the house to get him settled and up his pain meds again. His legs are so thin- he just sat and stared at them yesterday with a totally sad look in his face. That hurt to watch. I want so much to take this away from him. I want to be the Mom from years ago that could pick him up and hug and kiss away the pains......
Continue praying for peace in his heart, calm in his mind and no pain in his being. Thank You

I'm sorry I haven't posted for a little while. I STILL HATE CANCER! Jimmy is having trouble swallowing water at this point. This all sucks so bad for us to watch. I so wish that there was a magic wand for us to fix this all........
Please pray for peace in Jimmy's heart and mind. And for NO PAIN- NO MORE PAIN. Also pray for Addy.....

Reiki

We are so very lucky to have Suzanne Martin on our side!! She is such an amazing person, as well as her daughter Sarah. Thank you both for dropping what you were doing to come and help Jimmy this evening. He has been so restless these past two days and not getting any REAL rest. Thanks to you two this evening, he is at ease more than I have seen these past 2 days. I don't think that you will ever know the IMPACT of your selflessness!! I love you both very much. You have touched us like no others through these reiki sessions and your friendship!

Hospice inpatient care facility

Jimmy didn't get any better with nausea. He wanted to get an NG tube. We were hoping that they would be able to do it at the house- but they don't. So, we chose the closer facility as to keep him out of bumpy car as much as possible. This facility is only 4 miles from where we live. It is a very nice facility- they are kind and caring. We will be able to push Jimmy out into the sun if he wants later. They upped his pain med pretty good and is hooked up- now time will tell if he gets the relief he needs. We keep the demand dose pushed every 15 minutes for him.

Overnight

I got Jimmy's meds together and Addy gave them to Jimmy around 11:00. Addy called me around 12:30 to let me know that he was nauseous and that she will be calling the nurse. She called and they wanted her to do a suppository- she had never done that before. She called me back and asked me to go down and help her. I go down and Jimmy is on the side of bed- he's very distraught. He began throwing up- Addy was right there with the bucket for him. He also wanted to wait on the nurse for the suppository. When she got there he asked if it could go in stoma. Yes, it can... both Addy and I were glad for that. So, we watched the nurse administer this suppository- she pushed her finger's length into the stoma to assure it was placed well. He felt relief pretty quickly. (of course, NEVER QUICK ENOUGH) He was ready to lie down. I got up on the bed and Addy got his feet- I heisted under his arms and Addy at the same time pulled his feet up and around. She got him covered and turned the fan on for him. I hurt his under arms. He is so weak and delicate - I HATE hurting him anymore than he already hurts. We have a blanket under him to move him so we don't have to touch him... but he was in an odd position and we couldn't use that. :( I need to give Addy so many props for helping in the care of Jimmy. She could've ran- she didn't HAVE to stay and deal with all of this. She is a very special person- I know we have not always been on the best of terms, but she has changed and TOTALLY stepped up to the plate here- what a wonderful soul she has. Ilove you Addy!! Thank you so much!
I came out this morning and there was a note on the counter that she had given Jimmy another suppository at 7:30. It's almost ten and the nurse should be calling soon - then we have our 10am meds to give. I have normally waited until 10 to go into the hospital room (waited in waiting room for hours mostly) because I know how tough it was getting rest in there with all of the nights I spent- it was terrible. So, I will continue that here as well. It's almost time for me to go check things out- I hope he has a good day!!

HOME!!!

We got home and settled in around 5. Nurse was here and we went over our new list of meds and what we have to do. Jimmy was looking so comfortable. Addy handed him the remote to the bed and he immediately got to the 'zero gravity' position and then hit the 'massage' button.... then came the smile and nod of the head! I hope that all goes well here and he is fine - we (Jimmy and I) are both nervous. I know we can call and get a nurse any time, it's just not the same as pushing a button. It is very nice to see him in his room though. Addy is very excited to be in a REAL bed too!! And here we go.....

Reiki

That was one of the MOST POWERFUL reikis ever! We had 4 people doing the reiki. It was an amazing session. We had that much energy going that we wiped out Jimmy's IV pump. It was beeping and blinking 'malfunctioning' across the screen, then it tried to reboot and then went totally blank. I had to call a nurse in to fix it- she was so perplexed... she said "I don't know what that was- I never saw that before, Sorry." So- yea, that tells you just how much energy was being thrown around in this room. CRAZY! now Jimmy is in his reiki trance now. This was so needed by him. To let light into his heart and to allow the mind to be a little more at ease. We also worked on his muscle strength.
YOU ARE LOVED JAMES DUANE FAUS!!!!

Jimmy will be getting a well deserved Reiki today from our wonderful Suzanne!! I am so happy that she is able to help Jimmy out like this. He NEEDS this!!
Thank You Suzanne- you are one of the most giving people I have ever come across! We love you!

I F@#%&*# HATE CANCER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

PISSED OFF

Tell me why the hell Dr.s can't just allow Jimmy to have a good day- a COMPLETE GOOD DAY. They always have to ruin it! WWWHHHYYYYY?!?!?!

Today has been, shall I say, unnerving. It started out pretty good... we got up and walked two rounds on 8-Lime early. Came back to room and got settled in again for a rest, because of the low hemoglobin he tires out very quickly. He's been pretty depressed. Feeling helpless- I can only begin to imagine. BUT, I'm not ready to let him give up yet- I told him that I gave him 2 days of feeling sorry for himself... we all need those days- but now we are done and we will be working at getting stronger and getting back in the game.
He took benedryl this afternoon to get some sleep mainly because he was feeling depressed and just needed an escape- I can understand... shit, how would the rest of us handle what this young man has to handle?! Anyhow... Dr. Degreen talked to us and let us know that Jimmy has to get his strength up to get his next round of chemo and would like it if Jimmy saved the benedryl for evening only, so that he can walk and get build up. I think that Jimmy felt guilty then about the feelings and not getting up and moving. Soooo while I was downstairs, thinking he was sleeping, I got a text from his Dad that said Jimmy fell.... oh shit! I ran up to the room as fast as I could - he was on his bed. He now knows never to try to walk off benedryl. He hurt his tailbone (bruised), his elbow (skinned) and his head (bump). They have been in to check him each hour since his fall. He went down for a CT scan because he is on Lovenox (blood thinner) and they don't want to take a chance at possible internal damage and just 'waiting' to see if a problem arises. Good call! We are now waiting on that result. He has also been put on a diuretic to get rid of some of the 'water' being held in feet and elbows. Keep praying for his strength to come up and chemo to be in the near future. Thank you ALL
Love and hugs to all.....

Another restful night at LGH

Well, folks... I haven't posted for awhile- so, I figured what better time?! than to tell you about another night. I sit and talk to Jimmy about it in the morning and we just shake our heads....
Benedryl at 9:30pm for Jimmy, I told the nurse that he was going to share tonight- but she didn't fall for it. dangit!! ha... Patrick and I watched some TV- well, he watched through cracks in his eyelids most of the time. Patrick left around 10:00. I watched this crazy man vs food for awhile... man, this guy is nuts. He ate an ENTIRE grilled cheese sandwich that was 5lbs- it had 14 different cheeses in it! GUT BUSTER! It came with fries, coleslaw and pickles... this dude downed it all. I felt bloated JUST WATCHING IT!! That's enough time spent watching a man gorge himself... blech.
Laid down around 11. Jimmy woke up to pee at 11:22- I got up and got him his urinal. Removed myself until he was done and then placed urinal in bathroom- I'm not allowed to empty it because they have to measure everything in and out. Benedryl again at 11:45- back down to sleep at 12:00. Aide came in for vitals at 12:30... REALLY?! We couldn't do this 1/2 hour ago when someone was already in here with him. We HAD to wait until he was sleeping to come in?! Back to sleep. 1:40 awakened by beeep...beeep. Was pain med- I had looked at that before bedtime- it LOOKED like enough, grrr. dang-it Marie, how could I miss that judgement?! Sat vigil by his bed pushing the silence button.... it took 20 minutes for it to go off the second time, and then EVERY MINUTE until they got here at 2:15. I let them know that it was warning that there was air in the line as to avoid the annoyance that happened last time. They were very quick and quiet. I love most of the IV team... a favorite of ours is Wayne. They were out the door by 2:18. Then at 2:28, the same nurse that came in at 12:30 to take vitals, came in to HANG A PAPER ON THE WALL.... REALLY?! Was that paper THAT important that it couldn't wait til 7am?! *&$#@#*&
Back to sleep- - - - - - -
5:48 in to draw labs to see if chemo will be a possibility today. Back to sleep...
7:40 beeep...beeeep. His TPN is finished. I silenced it and called nurse. Sat and silenced until they got here to unhook it... it's very hard for me to not take over sometimes when we have to wait- Addy & I do most of this stuff at home....
Well, Jimmy got up and brushed his teeth and said "I guess we will walk". We got 2 rounds in (in my PJs) and then back to room. We are still waiting to hear whether he can have chemo today or not. I really hope so...... I really hope so......

A HUGE THANK YOU

Thank you to my very wonderful, fabulous, kind, sweet, caring beautiful friends for throwing down the BEST spaghetti dinner EVER!! No one left hungry. The menu was out of this world... everyone that left said how GREAT it was- THANK YOU Emily, Noel, Phil, George, Kim, Dave, Trang, Debbie and Gary!! You all ROCK!!!
AND THANK YOU TO ALL OF OUR GUESTS!! Y O U are the reason it was such a success!!! Thank you to everyone that baked the tasty treats for us. There was so much to choose from it was quite maddening...haha- I just wish that I could have tried one of everything, but they would have had to roll me out to the car!! :)
I believe that everyone had a great time- we were pretty busy and most tables were full most of the evening. Some of Jimmy's nurses from 8-Lime came to support us as well. I think that this is such an amazing gesture on their part. They ARE the best people at LGH, in our opinion... there are none better than our people on 8-Lime!!
Quite a few of my GSV residents came out in the rain to have a wonderful dinner as well. It is so heartwarming to feel the love and compassion from them. One of my employees, Liz, brought people from 3 different places... she is a GREAT person and all of the people associated with her are as well. The church that she goes to is filled with very loving people. I often get cards that are so sweet and meaningful from these people that have never even met me- but reach out to me and let me know that we are not alone. THANK YOU ALL for that! That means so much!!
Thanks, Lisa... I know I wasn't the best of dates for Suz... I let her sit all alone- that wasn't nice of me. I can understand her wanting to drop me. (LOL) And thanks for the kind words that I look good. I have told other people when they ask how I am ... I say "I'm a mess wrapped in pretty paper"... meaning that I hide it very well. BUT THANKS- :)
Thank you Clare- I'm glad that you came and I appreciate your words. I'm so glad that you all won some of the prizes!!! George's son won the brownie- HE WAS SO HAPPY!!
THANK YOU - - - THANK YOU - - - THANK YOU - - - THANK YOU - - - THANK YOU
Love and hugs to all.....

WELL... today is the dinner. My fellow GSV people are an awesome group. I can't wait to see the entire evening unfold. I was warned that I may NOT show up before 4pm. I wanted to help the through the entire set-up and serving to tear down and clean up. BUUUUT I was told NO!! ha... gotta love them!! Thank you Emily, Phillip, Noel, George, Kim, Dave & Debbie for EVERYTHING. I guess I will add other names when I get there and see others helping. I have a "date" with Suzanne tonight... :) Looking forward to that!!
See everyone there!!!
love and hugs to all.....

Jimmy is now on a liquid diet- we will graduate to full liquids as tolerated. It's exciting when I see him eat.... now grant it there's not much that he can throw down, but still nice. He had half of an Italian ice- raspberry of course!! He will get stronger again... we did 3 loops around 8-Lime today, looked out the window at the colors of spring... was nice. He wasn't in the best of spirits earlier, so I was glad that I was able to go to work and get off early to be with him. GSV is the best place EVER!!
Ok, now on to tomorrow.....
COME JOIN ME FOR A SPAGHETTI DINNER. LOTS OF CHOICES, LOTS OF FOOD AND LOTS OF DESSERTS. AMAZING DESSERTS. We will also be auctioning off a cake made into a hiking boot that one of our wonderful cooks made for Jimmy and 2 paintings that another one of our cooks made and donated to Jimmy. SUCH WONDERFUL EMPLOYEES!! The caring and compassion... I love them all as well.
SOooooo you DON'T want to miss the chance at this wonderful all you can eat spaghetti dinner and the Chance at the boot or paintings, I wish that I would've taken pics of the paintings- I will put the boot on for you all to oogle over!!!
Tomorrow from 4-7PM.... come see us!!! Thank you in advance for your wonderful generosity and compassion for Jimmy. He is such a GREAT man- "I did good"... lol... I have to try to keep the sense of humor, right?!
Love and hugs to all.....

Good news

I emptied his ostomy bag before our walk around 8-Lime (we went around the circle TWO TIMES, by the way) and there was SOLID POOOOOO in there!!!! :)YAYAYAYAYAYAYAYYYYYYYYYYYYYY... I did the poo dance. This means we are still in the game, this means that the folfiri IS working- THANK YOU GOD!!
Still need to keep our eye on this and be ready for next step- BUT it is working. He has been walking and is on antibiotics for anything that 'might' arise. He has to watch who comes in to see him. They have a sign on his door that says for visitors to see nurse before entering. This is to protect the boy!! :)
Keep praying.... it's helping.
Love and hugs to all.....

Night at LGH

Well, if you need to rest and recoup- don't come here! man!
Jimmy took benedryl around 9:15 to get some solid sleep. We got him all settled in and Patrick left around 9:45- I changed into sponge bob PJs (nurses were jealous) and settled in for some TV. Turned TV off around 10:45. First alarm on ONE of his 5 IVs went off at midnight. Happened to be the pain pump. I called for nurse and then silenced the bell, so that Jimmy wouldn't be disturbed. They called for the IV team to come change his pain med. I stood at the side of his bed to silence the alarm each time it went off. Well, they got here and got it changed- left the room at 12:55am. Well at 1:05 the alarm went of again. I quickly jumped up and opened the door- YAY, they were still out there. They came back in and bled the lines- got the air out and were all done again. Back to bed around 1:20. Drift off to sleep and 2am benedryl time came quickly. Of course I want to see what they are doing- so awake again. That didn't take real long, back to sleep. Around 2:20am another bell goes off- this time it was his decadron pump. I stand guard (somewhat wobbly) and silence this one as well, (ha- ironically while I was typing this one of the alarms went off again at 8:55- pushed nurse bell on way to silence it I pushed nurse call... and OMG- while I was typing that sentence, his TPN alarm went off at 9:02) I THINK they are all over it now. How frustrating- I can't even have time to type about the night because the alarms continue! OK, back to story... Nurse gets this taken care of and back to sleep I go... or not, at 2:40 alarm again- same routine, I jump up and stand vigil until they fix the problem at hand. Back to sleep by 3:15am... ah nice! Short lived- 4:20 awakened by alarm again- I'm sure these nurses were like... REALLY?!, but I couldn't just keep standing there silencing these terrors. Back to sleep once again. Woke to someone in the room, and yes, of course I want to know what's going on. I awake to see they are preparing his meds... it's 6:45... wow, that was a nice sleep. I didn't get out of bed- I saw what they were doing and I turned over and went back to sleep. At 7:45 they came to take him for his obstruction series. SOoooo I decided to get a shower and change while he was out of the room. He was back before I was done with shower and all. It's now 9:10, he's been sleeping and I think I may nap now too... well, until the NEXT alarm goes off. I always thought that one came to the hospital to rest and recoup- REALLY?! ha
Well, now we wait for the Dr to come and let us know about results.

Tomorrow is the obstruction series.

WE NEED PRAYERS

We NEED this obstruction to pass. Please pray for the obstruction to pass.... PLEASE

Update

Well, Addy took Jimmy into LGH ER late afternoon yesterday. Being at work and trying to concentrate after getting Addy's text was pretty rough. BUT, I know he was in good hands there at LGH. He had bad pain and threw up his afternoon meds. They found a small obstruction. Now, we medicate and no food or drink until it is passable. I hope he doesn't have to get that dang NG tube again. This boy has been through hell and back for sure... but he keeps on plugging. he has so much love and support - it has to help him on this journey.
I will keep you all posted on the progress.

Spaghetti Dinner (all U can eat)

Just a reminder... I have tickets for sale or for others to sell for the March 24th dinner that my boss, Emily, and my cohort, George, are sponsoring for Jimmy. It is held at Ranck's United Methodist Church from 4-7pm. Cost is $9.00- adult/$5.00 - Kids/3 & under are free. The menu is quite extensive for a spaghetti dinner--- I think that all will be pleasantly surprised!!
Thanks in advance for your support. We will NEVER be able to thank everyone in this journey with us enough, EVER!!
Love and hugs to all.....

Dr. Tracy DeGreen

I don't know if I have said this enough---- but this man is one of the best men on the face of this Earth. He is intelligent, caring (sometimes to a fault), kind, empathetic, sweet and a GREAT ONCOLOGIST. I credit him with Jimmy's path to good health. Tracy has always been very open and honest with us each step of the way of this journey thus far. God has a very special angel here
to help so many people. Thank you God.... for giving us Tracy!!

Chemo day

We are here at LCC for a new regimen. This one isn't supposed to take as long and they say that this is tolerated as well if not better than the folfox.
Today is a St. Patrick's day celebration here at LCC- these people are so awesome... they do what they can to make the visits here as pleasant as possible. I will post some pics of the treats and some of our wonderful ladies here at LCC. We also had a very special guest here - Dr. DeGreen's mom brought her beautiful dog in to see us. She is a cavalier from Lexington, so they named her Lexi. So soft and sweet she is!!

Patrick made pizza last night for supper before I got home. So, when I walked through the door I was able to get Jimmy some yummy pizza from a fundraiser that Lisa Butler had just recently. BTW, Lisa... pizza is pretty good. I also heard great reviews on the subs. THANKS!!
Jimmy ate 1 1/2 pieces of pizza.. YAY... he took his meds- orally and subcutaneous and then we got his TPN hooked up. Time to snuggle in for some sleep. I went upstairs and finished watching American Idol... after YET ANOTHER phone call to Directv... how frustrating- BUT this time it was fixed.... or, so I thought!!- - - we went to bed and turned on the tv in the bedroom, OH CRAP... no signal, GRRRROOOWWWLLL!! I will have to make YET ANOTHER call to them today sometime... I just don't want to deal with it anymore. I am almost to the point of saying "Just come and take all of your equipment back"!!! OMG - - off to sleep...
Jimmy texted me "I need a cold wet rag" at 11:31PM- I jumped out of bed and ran down the steps to get his cloth. I was really scared... I thought that we would be making a trip to the ER. I expected to see him sitting at the side of his bed with sweat dripping off like last time when his stoma was huge. He wasn't that bad- THANK GOD!! I got his head and neck wiped and he got himself laid back down and I tucked him in... back to sleep.
At 3:51am I get a call from him saying "I need help majorly right now"... out of bed I jump and head down the steps. I walk in to see that his bag let loose and he had a mess between his feet. He tried to get up to pee and the bag just had a huge blowout. I got his socks wiped off and got him over to the bathroom because he still hadn't gotten to pee yet. Patrick came down to lend a hand... I had him help Jimmy while I went over and cleaned up the floor, wall, shelf, shoes, trash can, back pack, bed and under bed and shelf. MAN, that crap splashed everywhere. I found his one remote- silver lining!! We got his clothing changed and thrown in washer. OK- back to snooze a little longer. I DO need to give Patrick his props... he has been and continues to be a VERY big and supportive piece to this puzzle of life. THANK YOU PATRICK!!
Love and hugs to all.....

Root canal indeed!

Yesterday I had my root canal, it actually wasn't too bad, minus the stretching of my lips at points, I have a small mouth I think. But yeah not too bad at all now I must return later for a bunch of stinking fillings and a crown for my root canal tooth. Today will be a lazy day, lots of pain this am, a lot more than usual I kinda think it's how I slept though ribs still hurt from my fall long ago now!!! Maybe they are bruised I remember I had bruised ribs once before too, and that took like 7 weeks to go away. Now tomorrow is a way early one which I HATE big time, but I have to see dr degreen and sit through a long chemo so I kind of get it yet kind of not! Either way it's whack! I like the benedryl shot before we go at the chemo makes time fly by! It seems like in and out to me, but I also feel bad for mom then cause she's awake the whole time!! (I think...) maybe she does nap too?? Prolly not. Anyways I guess I copied moms post pretty well, but I just wanted to stop and say hello again and thanks to all for love and support be back on soon!!

Root Canal

The root canal went well, Addy said. I didn't get to see him at all yesterday- he was sleeping when I went to work and when I got home last night. I went down to just see what he thought of the day and he was really OUT.... Sleeping in the recliner. I didn't want to wake him.
I just wanted to post to give the true followers peace of mind about the dental portion of his world.
Well, off to get ready for work for me...
Love and hugs to all.....

Shrimp Feed...

It was great... he got to see lots of people that he hasn't seen in a very long time... and of course, everybody in Columbia is related SOMEHOW!! I love it- it's one big happy happy family!! Well, with their own problems sometimes... haha
My boy ate so much... holy crap- I was so surprised... they gave us a HUGE plate of steamed & fried shrimp with french fries on top and a huge garlic cheddar biscuit. HOLY COW... he ate all of the fried shrimp, most of the fries and steamed shrimp AAAANNNnnnnd a piece of pineapple upside down cake!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He, himself was VERY shocked at the amount of food he ATE!! It was fantastic... but short lived. I watch him like a friggin hawk when he's out- he was tiring, so it was time to go. We stayed for about an hour. I am sure to him it seemed like many hours. It is hard for him to be comfortable outside home. The chairs were the metal fold up chairs, so we put my coat down for his 'bones' to sit on. All in all- it was worth the run to Columbia... had some laughs and lots of food.
Love and hugs to all.....

Exciting News!!!

Well, exciting for me!! Jimmy, Patrick and I are going to go out with 'the group', which is my late husband's friends and family, for a shrimp feed. I am soooo excited to get him out with us. It's so dang hard to control myself at this point. Patrick is excited as well. He was called into work, and he thought that he would miss the chance... so what does he do?!? He locks out the machine they were having problems with and headed home! LOL... does that tell you something?! WE ARE EXCITED!! They will ALL LOVE to see him as well!!!!!!! <3
Love and hugs to all.....

Long break

Man it feels like forever since I've had chemo, and it's great! A big huge thank you to Suzanne, my reiki masseuse for another amazing session!! Anybody needs any type of massage should definitely look her up first!!! Anyhow, this break feels so much like a necessity, although I also know we need to keep the fight up daily. Starting to force myself to do walks and a sort of stair exercise as well to make sure I don't just wither away. That kinda sucks but it must be done. And I've gotta shower as well today I believe, not that I'm that ripe yet, just feels kinda nice even though it feels like a huge job too at this point. It's either up 14 stairs and do it or use the stand up shower downstairs but can't get out of the water. Probably upstairs... Sooo for right now appointment wise I've got a root canal on the 13th to finish up and chemo on the 15th so yeah to that! Gonna be one hell of a week!! Thanks again to all following the journey and sending out positive thoughts and prayers I appreciate you all and will update again ASAP!!
J-Bird and that's the word, everybody knows that the bird is the word

Yesterday

I GOT TO SPEND THE WHOLE DAY WITH JIMMMMMMYYYYYY!!!!!!!! This has been one of the best days for me in a LOOOOoooooong time!!!! I let him sleep awhile in the morning- one reason is because I was on the phone with Directv- anyone else having trouble with these jokers?! i just had the DVR box replaced a few days ago and now again no signal?! WHAT am I paying 82.00 a month for?!!!??!!! AAANNNYYHOW... I got an finished with these jokers and got Jimmy's shots ready along with oral meds. After administering all meds, he said that he feels weaker every day. I told him that lying there in that bed and doing nothing is the main reason- the chemo will kick your ass, but if he doesn't get up a little every day - the muscles will go away, he will get weaker. SOoooo we walked outside and got some fresh air. Jimmy had a misstep and started going down... what does a momma do?- she grabs for him around the waist (I was behind him) and I think I saved his knees, but bruised his ribs...man :( He IS very weak... we will stay on him to get him on his feet more to begin the build up, we don't want him losing everything!! We were up and about for about 10-15 minutes. We sat out on the patio for a little when we finished walking around the house. He then came in and we put him in the recliner for a nap. He slept for a couple of hours and then it was time to rise and shoot (I know- usually rise and shine)... I gave him his afternoon subcutaneous sandastatin and we were getting ready for a trip to pier one imports... what a great store. We got 2 shelves for his room, trying to organize a bit. I love the shelves he picked out. That boy has good taste! Well, we got home and put the shelves together. Then he and Addy went back out for some other items and another shelf for her side of the room. After all, she needs organization too- she lives here basically. We have to make it feel like home all around.
Love and hugs to all.....

Spaghetti Dinner Flyer

Hey everybody, Paul here. Wanted to jump in quick and give everyone the opportunity to download the flyer for the upcoming Spaghetti Dinner fundraiser.

Word: spaghetti_dinner.doc
PDF: spaghetti_dinner.pdf

Hope to see everyone there!

Thanks mom

Sorry to everybody that have been following along with my journey and I never post myself. I'm really thankful to mom for keeping everybody up with very detailed messages and stories on this site, thanks mom!!! And also I have been feeling pretty beat up these past couple of weeks. My wonderful fiancée has been such a gigantic support and makes things quite a bit easier for me!! So posting on my phone kinda bothers my eyes and head. But I feel like its getting to be better which is great. But I get a good break between now and next thing... Root canal!!! Whack attack but must be done, then two days later, chemo, then more side affects and fun!! But that's just me bitching and moaning, I'm hoping for this to get outta my system soon. The erbitux could still affect me up to a month from now. And thanks again folks that have followed along and prayed and sent great thoughts and donated to this cause. Tom moose thank you for your help recently as well! Hopefully I can post a little more often for everybody!!

today he gets unhooked

Well, today he gets unhooked from his 5FU. He will not have any added poison running through veins now until March 15th. YAY!! I sure pray to God that these 2 weeks prove to be pleasant for him. He needs this break.
Wednesday when we were leaving the cancer center it was raining and damp. yucky. I asked Jimmy if he was able to open the door, because the nueropathy was bad already, he said yes... WRONG! That 'bit' him!! I rushed over to finish opening it and got his butt seated safely inside.
When we got home from, the nurse to hook him up to 5FU was here waiting when we pulled into home. I grabbed all of the stuff to carry into house... 2 drinks, Jimmy's backpack, computer bag, lunch from McD's, my purse & thermos that housed Jimmy's meds for the day. (A LOT, HUH!?) I was in garage and noticed that Jimmy wasn't right behind me- I turned to see him still in the car. He was gasping for breath... OMG- I dropped everything and ran into house for a benedryl. By the time I got the pill and drink he met me at the door- we got him into his room and sat him on the bed- he was still gasping for breath. It sounds awful... and is so scary!! We turned his heat up a bit and it started to release- OH MAN... phew. I want to talk to Dr. DeGreen about just keeping that extra benedryl push after each treatment. Holy Cow!!
Anyhow, the nurse came in and got things going-
after she left Jimmy settled in for a reiki. He was OUT like a light!! I checked on him several times throughout the night and he was so sound asleep- a nice relaxing peaceful sleep. It wasn't until after 10pm that he awoke- He said that he felt really good- surprisingly good... thank you reiki!! :) I love that I can do that for him!! It made MY HEART SMILE!!
Ok- so, like I started out saying... let's pray that these 2 weeks are a welcome break for this boy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :)
Love and hugs to all.....

chemo day

Chemo day came a day early this week, because when we made it last week- we were to get a bolus of magnesium & perhaps potassium on Friday because of Erbitux. He is no longer getting that Erbitux, as I had posted yesterday. PLUS, his counts are very good- what a strong boy!! So, he has from the time they unhook 5FU on Friday til March 15th free of chemo treatments. I hope this is a nice time for him to get his energy back and perhaps EAT MORE!! He woke up pretty nauseous this morning- so he didn't want to hear a thing about food. Last night his belly was rumbling all night- which he said then made it hurt, which in turn caused the nausea this morning.
We are in hour two thus far here at LCC. Since we are here on a different day (usually Thursday), we get to meet new people... nurses, patients and volunteers. It's not as packed in here today as it has been on occasion.
Today we brought a 'good' treat for our wonderful people here at LCC. Kat needed to better food to snack on- we usually bring sweets... you know, the yummy treats,(such as donuts, cookies, whoopie pies, girl scout cookies, etc)...but we felt the need to make it a 'better for them' treat today... after all, Melissa has to fit in that wedding gown!! :)
They tried not giving him the benedryl today- not sure how that came about, it was in the orders- but we fixed it and it wasn't even an issue- they were very sweet about it and just ran and got it.
After benedryl was given, Jimmy asked me what I do for 6 plus hours... Ha... well, I read, text, get on computer... AND watch him. CREEEeeeepy?! LOL- He just gave me one of his sheepish looks - anyone that knows him, knows it- head cocked down and off to side and he looked 'out the side of his face' at me with that tilted smile. Cute!! :)
Well, time to read some more.
Love and hugs to all.....

NEWS

I am so sorry to all - I went straight to work from his appointment. The news is not all bad... I teared up a bit this morning with the news. The DC (Damn Cancer) is not advancing at the rate at which it had been. The lymph nods are shrinking pretty good. To give it a number- Tracy said 50% gone. THAT'S GOOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :) The tumor on the colon is SIGNIFICANTLY smaller as well... this is the reasons for his RP (real poops), because it has gone down far enough to allow RP through! THAT'S GOOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :) The colon and such has not forgotten HOW to work. THAT'S GOOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :) The DC has not spread to lungs - his chest is clear - when I saw it months ago... it looked like a whole lot of grape bunches in there.
THAT"S GOOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :) The bad news... the liver has gotten 2 more lesions on it. :(
we are NOT giving up, we are regrouping and switching things up a bit. He will no longer be taking Erbitux weekly. He will switched to Folfurry as opposed to Folfox in 2 weeks. The Erbitux wasn't making a huge change and Jimmy wasn't tolerating it well. Hopefully he will now get some of his energy and appetite back. The Folfurry will then be coupled with Panatumamap (pardon the misspelling, I haven't had time to research this yet) in a month or so. This is similar to the Erbitux, along the lines of Rituxan. We will not be going for surgery as soon as we would like- but Dr. DeGreen (Tracy) is not taking that option away from us at this point.
Love and hugs to all.....

Dr. this morning

We go to talk with Tracy about what's next- We are armed with questions.

not exactly what I was hoping for

Well, Jimmy talked to Dr. today- I was hoping for FANTASTIC news.... It's not bad BAD, but ugh :(
The mass on colon is significantly smaller- but he has more lesions on liver. Didn't say anything about lymph nods I guess.
We will talk to him more on Tuesday morning about switching up the chemo regimen.
:/
I mean, it's not horrible news.... but a little less than I wanted to hear....

No news

Well, we have no news yet. Sorry, I was hoping to have something by now.
In other news, we had a GREAT DAY!! We left the health campus and went to McDonald's for lunch. Jimmy ate a cheeseburger and a few chicken poppers. The secret was, before we left the health campus, he swished with his BMX that numbed the sores in his mouth.
From McDonald's we went to Brent and Amy Hackman's to love up on Haylie. She is SOOOOoo adorable. Quite a head full of hair. We visited for about 30-45 minutes, the parents looked great too, by the way, and then we went to GSV. Visited there for a few minutes. Left there and went to Achenbach's Bakery where Jimmy got his Long John Donuts... his favorite right now! We even got a new item to try- a blueberry turnover.
We left there and stopped at Joe's Famous to see Ryan and Addy. HAD to buy some WONDERFUL wings for Patrick. Sat and spoke with them for a little while- Vickie (co-owner) came in while we were sitting and we got to see her for a few minutes. We then left there and went to pick up Zen and Damion (Jimmy's niece and nephew) for a weekend visit. By the time we got home- IIII was tired, I could only imagine how exhausted he was. I made sure to keep asking how he was and if he was ready to go... that Mom in me!! Ha
He is now getting a Reiki from Suz- MAN, he was looking forward to this!!!! She is such a wonderful person.. she brings everything to him and just ZONES HIM OUT!! :)
While I was typing this, Nancy - one of the trail angels that came to visit Jimmy, called to check on us. It was pretty cool to talk to her again. This boy is so loved... :)
Well, as soon as I hear anything - as I said - I will let you all know.
Love and hugs to all.....

THE DAY OF TRUTH

Well, it's 11:30 on the day we have CT scan. He will soon drink his second bottle of barium vanilla smoothie- I don't care what they call it, what color they make it or what they SAY it will taste like... simply put it is GROSS IN A BOTTLE. I feel so bad that he has to choke this crap down. terrible!!
At 12:30 he has a knee X-ray to see what's up with the horrible pain. Addy said that last night around midnight he had another episode of that pain. We just can't pinpoint ANY SPECIFIC thing that is making this happen. So, it will be good to have a look inside.
The CT Scan is at 1:00. Our wonderful Dr. DeGreen will be looking for the results and call us. MOST doctors would make you wait until next week. I don't know where we would be without Tracy (Dr. DeGreen)... I simply don't want to know!!! He and the entire staff at LCC have been such a Godsend to us!! We really do LOVE THEM!!
Well, thank you to everyone that is crossing everything that they can- I will post as soon as I hear something.
Love and hugs to all.....

2/23

well, he is almost done with his Erbitux for this week. These short days are kinda nice.
It is sooo beautiful outside today. I hope that he can enjoy a few minutes of it, that would be great.
Well, we go to the health campus tomorrow. He has an X-ray on his knees- because he has had MAJOR pain in them - he can't move in the morning- he has to hit his pain med pump every 20 minutes until the pain is TOLERABLE enough to get up. He needs it- JUST to even sit at the side of his bed. We were hoping that the bed would help with that pain more.
So, the knee X-ray is at 12:30 and then CT scan at 1:00- this CT will be a telltale of any changes in his disease. PLEASE GOD, LET IT BE SO!!!
He has a lot of pain in his mouth as well. It makes him NOT even WANT to try to eat. They are giving us BMX for that. He has had that in the hospital- he doesn't care for it, but if it is going to numb the mouth and maybe allow him to eat more- he will put up with it.
Soooo... keep your fingers, eyes, toes, legs- and whatever else you think you can- crossed for tomorrow.
Love and hugs to all.....

baby girl...

Jimmy holding Brent and Amy Hackman's 3 day old precious baby girl. Check out the onesie!!