Wednesday, May 9, 2012

I want to say a big thank you to a man that gave us time with Jimmy. Way back in September when we learned Jimmy had cancer- we had a LOT of doors closed in our face because we didn't have insurance at that point. Hershey said "sorry" and then we met with Dr. Tracy DeGreen. He was on board with us immediately. He made things happen BEFORE we even had insurance- he called on favors from his friends (other doctors). Dr. Backarack inserted the power port 2 days after meeting with Tracy and only one day after meeting Dr. Backarack. Then we had our first chemo treatment at LCC only a week after meeting Tracy. Tracy wanted to give Jimmy the benefit of TRYING to live. He hit Jimmy very hard with a vigorous regimen. We had hopes of Jimmy's age and strength getting him through this. During these months of treatments, we went for another 2nd opinion, we went to Dr. Davis, a very well-known, respected oncologist. He is all about his patients and will fight for them. He was very surprised that the chemo was working, as he had studied the biopsy results as well before our appointment with him. This cancer, as we found out, was very aggressive. This is the worst case that Davis or DeGreen had ever seen. AND the ONLY case with the choriocarcinoma differential that they had seen. The cancer was so aggressive that when they would do a biopsy, only 15% was live cancer. They hadn't seen such an aggressive cancer before. But Tracy tried to save Jimmy's life. Davis told us to keep doing exactly what we were doing (Tracy's regimen) because it was slowing it down. Tracy gave us another Christmas, Birthday and Easter with Jimmy. Had he not intervened, we may not have had Christmas with Jimmy, possibly not even Thanksgiving. I STILL don't understand what happened- I thought Jimmy was going to kick this in the ass. He was so big and strong. I think that the next day will be better- ok, maybe tomorrow... but, not so far is it getting any better.
I hate that I am harboring ill feelings to some people that were not helpful to me during a VERY difficult time in my life. As I was trying to struggle getting insurance for Jimmy, Appointments, SSD applications, finding good doctors, etc. I was put down by some people saying that I didn't care enough- that I wasn't doing enough. This HURT me so badly that now I am having trouble letting all of these feelings release and be free of them. Please pray that I may let these feelings go- I can't hold these in anymore. I need to allow my heart to heal. This adds to the feeling of letting Jimmy down- I couldn't save him.... I couldn't save him... for all those that loved him "I am sorry that I couldn't save him"! I have failed everyone!